Marshall Rosenberg
At an early age, most of us were taught to speak and think
Jackal. This language is from the head. It is a way of mentally classifying
people into varying shades of good and bad, right and wrong. Ultimately
it provokes defensiveness, resistance and counterattack. Giraffe bids us
to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us - without
judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes,
although you respect no for an answer. Giraffe is a language of requests;
Jackal is a language of demands.
Human beings the world over say they want
to contribute to the well-being of others, to connect and communicate with
others in loving, compassionate ways. Why then, is there so much disharmony
and conflict?
Setting out to find answers, I discovered
that the language many of us were taught interferes with our desire to live
in harmony with one another. At an early age, most of us were taught to
speak and think jackal. This is a moralistic classification idiom that labels
people; it has a splendid vocabulary for analyzing and criticizing. Jackal
is good for telling people what's wrong with them: "Obviously, you're
emotionally disturbed (rude, lazy, selfish)."
The jackal moves close to the ground. It
is so preoccupied with getting its immediate needs met that it cannot see
into the future. Similarly, Jackal-thinking individuals believe that in
quickly classifying or analyzing people, they understand them. Unhappy about
what's going on, a Jackal will label the people involved, saying, "He's
an idiot" or "She's bad" or "They're culturally deprived."
This language is from the head. It is a
way of mentally classifying people into varying shades of good and bad,
right and wrong. Ultimately, it provokes defensiveness, resistance, and
counterattack.
I also came upon a language of the heart,
a form of interacting that promotes the well-being of ourselves and other
people. I call this means of communicating Giraffe. The giraffe has the
largest heart of any land animal, is tall enough to look into the future,
and lives its life with gentility and strength. Like-wise, Giraffe bids
us to speak from the heart, to talk about what is going on for us - without
judging others. In this idiom, you give people an opportunity to say yes,
although you respect no for an answer. Giraffe is a language of requests;
Jackal is a language of demands.
By the time I identified these two languages,
I had thoroughly learned Jackal. So I set out to teach myself Giraffe. What
would I say, I wondered, if someone were doing something I found unpleasant
and I wanted to influence him to change his behavior? Giraffes, I realized,
are aware that they cannot change others. They are not even interested in
changing people; rather, they are interested (italics) "in providing
opportunities for them to be willing to change." One way of providing
such an opportunity, I decided, would be to approach the other person with
a message such as: "Please do this, but only if you can do it willingly
- in a total absence of fear, guilt, or shame. If you are motivated by fear,
guilt, or shame, I lose."
Giraffes, I realized, are aware that they cannot change
others. They are not even interested in changing people; rather, they are
interested
in providing opportunities for them to be willing to change. |
As Giraffes, we make requests in terms
of what we want people to do, not what we want them to feel. All the while,
we steer clear of mandates. Nothing creates more resistance than telling
people they "should" or "have to" or "must"
or "ought to" do something. These terms eliminate choice. Without
the freedom to choose, life becomes slave like. "I had to do it,superior's
orders" is the response of people robbed of their free will. Prompted
by directives and injunctions, people do not take responsibility for their
actions.
As time passed, I learned much more about
Giraffes. For one thing, they do not make requests in the past. They do
not say, or even think, "How nice it would have been if you had cleaned
the living room last night." Instead, Giraffes state clearly what they
want in the present. And they take responsibility for their feelings, aware
that their feelings are caused by their wants. If a mother is upset because
her son's toys are strewn about the living room, she will identify her feeling:
anger. She will then get in touch with the underlying want that is causing
this feeling: her desire for a neat and orderly living room. She will own
the anger, saying, "I feel angry because I want the living room to
be clean and instead it's a mess." Finally, she will ask for a different
outcome: "I'd feel so much better if you'd just put these toys away."
Giraffes state clearly what they want in the present, not
what they wanted in the past. And they take responsibility for their feelings,
aware that their feelings are caused by their wants. Whereas Jackals say,
"I feel angry because you... ," Giraffes will say, "I feel
angry because I want ... " As Giraffes, we know that the cause of our
feelings is not another person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and
wishes. |
Whereas Jackals say, "I feel angry
because you... ," Giraffes will say, "I feel angry because I want
... " As Giraffes, we know that the cause of our feelings is not another
person, but rather our own thoughts, wants, and wishes. We become angry
because of the thoughts we are having, not because of anything another person
has done to us.
Jackals, on the other hand, view others
as the source of their anger. In fact, violence, whether verbal or physical,
is the result of assuming that our feelings are caused not by what is going
on inside us but rather by what is going on "out there." In response,
we say things designed to hurt, punish, or blame the person whom we imagine
has hurt our feelings. Aware of this tendency, a Giraffe will conclude,
"I'm angry because my expectations have not been met."
As Giraffes we take responsibility for
our feelings. At the same time, we attempt to give others an opportunity
to act in a way that will help us feel better. For example, a boy may want
more respect from his father. After getting in touch with his anger over
the decisions his father has been making for him, he might say: "Please
ask me if I want a haircut before making a barbershop appointment for me."
Giraffes say what they do want; rather than what they don't want. "Stop
that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that" do not inspire
changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't."
Giraffes say what they do want; rather than what they don't
want. "Stop that," "Cut it out," or "Quit that"
do not inspire changed behaviors. People can't do a "don't." |
Giraffes ultimately seek a connection in
which each person feels a sense of well-being and no one feels forced into
action by blame, guilt, or punishment: As such, Giraffe thinking creates
harmony.
STATING A REQUEST CLEARLY
Stating a request in simple Giraffe is a four-part process rooted in
honesty:
- Describe your observation
- Identify your feeling
- Explain the reason for your feeling in terms of your needs
- State your request
In describing the situation, do so without
criticizing or judging. If you have come home from a busy day and your partner
seems preoccupied with the newspaper, simply describe the situation: "When
I walked in the door after an especially trying day, you seemed busy reading."
Identify your feeling: "I feel hurt." State the reason for your
feeling: "I feel hurt because I would like to feel close to you right
now and instead I'm feeling disconnected from you." Then state your
request in do-able terms: "Are you willing to take time out for a hug
and a few moments of sharing?"
The same process applies if your teenager
has been talking on the phone for hours and you are expecting a call. Describe
the situation: "When you have the phone tied up for so long, other
calls can't come through." Express your feeling and the reason for
it: "I'm feeling frustrated because I've been expecting to hear from
someone." Then state your request: "I'd like you to bring your
conversation to a close if that's all right."
In a Jackal culture, feelings and wants
are severely punished. People are expected to be docile, subservient to
authority, slave like in their reactions, and alienated from their feelings
and needs. In a Giraffe culture, we learn to express our feelings, needs,
and requests without passing judgment or attacking. We request, rather than
demand. And we are aware of the fine line of distinction between these two
types of statements.
In Jackal, we expect other people to prove
their love for us by doing what we want. As Giraffes, we may persist in
trying to persuade others, but we are not influenced by guilt. We acknowledge
that we have no control over the other person's response. And we stay in
Giraffe no matter what the other person says. If she or he seems upset or
tense, we switch into listening, which allows us to hear the person's feelings,
needs, and wishes (italics) without hearing any criticism of ourselves.
Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes we state the need that prevents
us from fulfilling the request.
Nor does a Giraffe simply say no; as Giraffes we state
the need that prevents us from fulfilling the request. |
RESPONDING TO A "NO"
Responding to a refusal is a four-part process rooted in empathy:
- Describe the situation
- Guess the other person's feeling
- Guess the reason for the feeling, together with the unmet need; then
let the person verify whether you have correctly understood
- Clarify the unmet need
When people say no in a nasty way, what
they invariably want is to protect their autonomy. They have heard a request
as a demand and are saying, in effect, "I want to do it when I choose
to do it, and not because I am forced to do it." Sighing, sulking,
or screaming can likewise reflect a desire to protect one's freedom of choice,
one's need to act from a position of willingness. If people scream at us,
we do not scream back. We listen beneath the words and hear what they are
really saying - that they have a need and want to get their need met.
If a mother has asked her daughter to please
do her chores and she has refused, the Giraffe dance may go something like
this:
Parent: Are you feeling annoyed right now because you want to
do your chores at your own pace rather than being forced to do them?
Child: Yeah, I'm sick and tired of being a slave. [Note the defensive
mode, indicating a need to be listened to.]
Parent: So, you really want to do things when it feels good to
do them, and you're not just avoiding them altogether?
Child: You order me around! [The child still needs to be listened
to. The parent must keep guessing what the child is saying about feelings
and wants.]
Parent: So, it's frustrating when I seem to be ordering you around
and you have no choice about when to do your chores?
Child: I don't want to do chores! They're stupid. If you want
them done, you do them.
Parent: You really hate doing chores and you would like me to
do all of them?
Child: Yeah... no... I don't know. I just don't feel like being
bossed around. (The child is becoming vulnerable and starting to open up
because she's feeling heard without judgment.)
If we have been Jackalish and demanding
in the past, the people close to us may need a lot of empathy at first.
So we listen and listen, reflecting back with guesses about what they are
feeling and wanting, until they feel heard and shift out of being defensive.
We don't take anything personally, for we know that upset, attacking, defensive
statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. At some point, the person's
voice and body language will indicate that a shift has occurred.
We don't take anything personally, for we know that upset,
attacking, defensive statements are tragic expressions of unmet needs. |
At a meeting I attended at a mosque in
a refugee camp near Jerusalem, a man suddenly stood up and cried, "Murderer!"
As a Giraffe, all I heard was "Please!" - that is, I heard the
pain, the need that wasn't being met. That is where I focused my attention.
After about 40 minutes of speaking, he did what most of us do when we sense
we have been accurately heard and listened to: he changed. The situation
was immediately defused of all tension. He later invited me to dinner.
In international disputes, as well as in
relationship, business, classroom, and parent-child conflicts, we can learn
to hear the human being behind the message, regardless of how the message
is framed. We can learn to hear the other person's unmet needs and requests.
Ultimately, listening empathically does not imply doing what the person
wants; rather, it implies showing respectful acknowledgment of the individual's
inner world. As we do that, we move from the coercive language we have been
taught to the language of the heart.
Speaking from the heart is a gesture of
love; giving other people an opportunity to contribute to our well-being
and to exercise generosity. Empathically receiving what is going on in others
is a reciprocal gesture. Giraffes experience love as openness and sensitivity,
with no demands, criticism, or requirements to fulfill requests at either
end of a dispute. And the outcome of any dialogue ruled by love is harmony.
In the end, Jackals are simply illiterate
Giraffes. Once you've learned to hear the heart behind any message, you
discover that there's nothing to fear in anything another person says. With
that discovery, you are well on your way to compassionate communication.
This form of dialogue, although offering no guarantees of agreement between
disputing parties, sets the stage for negotiation, compromise, and most
importantly, mutual understanding and respect.
For more information, contact:
The Center for Nonviolent Communication
2428 Foothill Blvd., Suite E
La Crescenta, CA 91214
Phone: 1-818-957-9393
Email: cnvc@cnvc.org
Website: www.cnvc.org
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